Pro Tip #5: Don't Lose Your Wallet

Really. Just don't.
This is like the sixth time I've lost my wallet this year. As this is BYU, it is usually returned to me or handed in to the Wilkinson Center Lost and Found within twenty-four hours of my losing it. I'm lucky enough that most BYUians are too nice to jack my wallet. I think I'm more at risk for someone trying to slip $5 into my wallet than someone of trying to slip $5 out. Alas, it seems that this time, my wallet may be gone for good. (Although I am still holding out hope that BYU tv's Random Acts of Kindness show actually found my wallet and will return it to me shortly with $200 and a note that says "You are the bestest" or something like that).
Unfortunately, it's not just my wallet that I lose on the daily. About a week ago, my phone fell out of my pocket on my walk to work, and I had to use find my iPhone to trace my phone back to the hands of some random dude who had picked it up. I lose my pencils all the time, usually during the exact moment my professors say "You need to write this down, it's going to be on the test". And most recently, I've been in the process of losing my mind. And my marbles? As my friend Ian would say, I can't lose those, because that would imply I had some in the first place.
Besides losing things, I also tend to get myself lost. Just this morning I was lost in the JSB, of all places, trying to find my way to the professor's office. There was also the time I got lost trying to walk home from the Provo tracks. Or the time I got lost at Knotts. Twice. (Three times? I'll have to get that fact checked). And that one time I tried to hike the Y. And- you get the point.
Side Note: I have never lost my keys, never locked myself out of my room, and never forgotten to take my keys with me when I leave. I have no idea why. My roommate can provide a testimonial if you don't believe me (although frankly, I hardly believe it myself). 
Anyways, yeah. This is day four without my wallet *gasps for air*. Since my ID card was in my wallet, I haven't been able to use my meal plan to eat except at the Cannon Center (where thankfully, they take the ID card on my phone). I've also been trying to avoid hanging out with people (which isn't that hard at the moment because I don't have a kajillion friends) because I'm afraid that they'll want to purchase something I can't afford. Because I currently can afford nada.
The upside of this ordeal (yes, there is an upside. There is always an upside) is that I've stopped my late night trips to the vending machine for fishy crackers! And I've stopped pouring my money into overpriced but delicious Caribbean Passion smoothies from Jamba Juice.
So pro tip of the day: Don't lose your wallet. If you do, you will quickly find yourself on the most bizarre combination of weight loss program and savings schedule that you could imagine. Believe me, you don't want that. Life is so much better when your pocket holds an empty wallet, your right hand holds a PB 'N Jealous, your left hand holds a fistful of fishy crackers, and the clock on your computer reads a solid one in the morning.